Insecurity
by Fine Shade
Summary: How can insecurity do to someone


**Fine's POV**

My sister will be coming back 3 days later, which is on the Christmas. She has been studying abroad in Harvard University in United States of America to get a doctoral degree. I always look up to her. She is very smart, always top in class and popular among the boys, girls and even the teachers. Many boys in the school will immediately love her as she is beautiful and lady like. I am opposite of Rein. My results is average, my looks are average, un lady like as I love to play sports and I love to eat but never gets fat.

I have mixed feelings about her coming back. I know I should only be happy that she is coming back after many years of studying in USA, but I wish that she won't come back to Wonder Planet. I am such a bad sister, wishing something that I should not do. Nowadays, I feel insecure around Shade when she called over to tell us this news.

* * *

 **Flashback**

' _Ring! Ring!' I wonder who it is._

" _Hello, this is Shinomiya residence. May I know-"_

" _FINE!" A familiar voice… It is Rein!_

" _Rein! Finally you called us! Are you coming back from USA?"_

" _Yup, I am coming back to celebrate Christmas with you all this year!"_

" _Yay! Father and Mother will be very happy about it!" We talked for 5 more minutes and I hung up the call._

 _Shade walked out of the bedroom and asked, "Is that Rein?"_

" _Yup! She is coming back for Christmas! Do you want to celebrate with us?" I asked. Shade nodded his head. I could see how he could not contain his excitement by smiling so wide and his eyes sparkled so brightly. This was the first time I saw him smiling so brightly after Rein went overseas. I felt lost. It is so cliché but my heart really did ache, and my lungs felt like they had lead in them. And I couldn't talk to him. I had to put a smile on my face, I thought to myself._

' _We are going to hold a Welcome Back party for Rein.' Shade suggested._

 **Flashback Ends**

* * *

I have been dating Shade for 5 years and I thought that the distance between us has disappeared. I thought I know everything about him, yet I know nothing. I have never seen him looking forward to something. Maybe it is because of Rein. I think he still likes Rein till now, ever since we transferred to his high school. When Rein left to get doctoral degree, he was so depressed that he locked himself in a room for a week and he was sent to hospital due to malnutrition. Every day, I accompany and visit him to give him flowers so that he won't feel lonely. I also changed my personality to match Rein and stop eating my favourite sweets. After Rein went overseas for 3 months, I confessed to Shade, hoping he could accept my feelings. And he did. But now, I always wonder why he accepted my confession. Is it because I try to become Rein or I am just a replacement of Rein so he can just throw me away when Rein comes back?

Shade and I live in the same apartment that I bought for myself when I became an adult. I respect his privacy so we sleep in different room. His room is near the living room while mine is next to his. So sometimes when he talks to someone, I can hear some parts of the conversation. It is not my fault that I am able to hear. This is how thick the wall is. (Sarcasm) Once, I heard him talking in his sleep, something like "Rein… " and "I love you." This didn't surprise me or anything, but confirm my suspicion about him liking her instead of me. I changed my room to the room furthest away from his, so that I won't be able to listen to these words anymore. It is so heartbreaking. He should have broken up with me instead of still dating with me and deceiving me that he likes me or whatever. My head starts to hurt. No, I don't want to believe it. Yet, I make these theories in my head. I keep on contradict myself. I sigh.

'Fine? Fine?' A voice snaps me back to reality.

'Yes?' I smile innocently to hide my wild thoughts in my mind.

'Do you think this pair of baby blue earrings or a sapphire bracelet suits Rein?' Shade asks, uncertain.

'I think earrings; she just got piercing in her ears.' I calmly reply. Shade smiles and kisses me on my forehead and walks to one of the cashier counters. He always kisses me on the forehead or cheeks, never once he kisses me on the lips for the past 5 years we dated. This means what? He just doesn't want to give his first kiss to his 'girlfriend' like me, but only 'girlfriend' like Rein. I could never be his ideal girlfriend.

I continue to look around and I see something that caught my eyes. A panda plushie! I take the panda plushie and hug it. It is so cute! Should I buy? Will Shade think that I am still a kid and childish? I have to be Rein. Rein does not like plushies. I sigh and put it back to resist the urge to buy it.

'Fine, let's go.' Did he see it? I hope not.

'Shade, why are you holding 2 bags? Didn't you come here just to buy Rein's present?' I ask, trying to peek inside the bag.

'It's nothing.' He says, trying to hide the bags. Nothing, you said? Then why are you blushing? Is it engagement ring for Rein? Maybe he is trying to propose to Rein. I am just your fake girlfriend, am I? My head starts to hurt even more.

'Shade, do you love me?' I ask, out of nowhere.

'Of course, I love you.' Shade then kisses me on the forehead.

These words always confuse me. These words always make my heart flutter but his expression always says otherwise. Does he really love me like how I love him or maybe he is lying through his teeth without batting his eyes? I don't know. I just know he just don't treat me seriously. I can't do anything though. I love him so much that I don't want to leave his side.

'I love you too.' I smile fakely, not too fake to let him notice. I am done trying to show my true feelings to him. Anyways, he also doesn't care too much about me. 2 weeks ago, I remembered very clearly that my head hurts so much when I woke up in the morning and kept on vomiting. He didn't care to look at me once and locked himself in the room. No matter how hard I knocked the door to take me to the doctor, he didn't open the door. I had to call Bright, my best friend before I fainted right after I opened the door, to let him in to send me to hospital.

I had to hospitalise for about a week due to some x-rays and medical check-ups. It seemed that there was something wrong with my body. Continuous headache for 3 weeks straight, vomiting for no reason, blurred vision when I tried to look at something, tremors of my hands, forgetting a lot of stuffs and not be able to walk properly are signs and symptoms of a brain tumor. Of course the doctors wanted to keep me in the hospital for further tests.

I always stared at the door, hoping the one who come in to visit me was Shade. However, it was always Bright or my parents who visited me when I was hospitalised. I was grateful for him as he cheered me up by bringing my favourite plushies and sweets and accompanied me when Shade was not around. Bright came on the last day of hospitalisation and brought me home instead of Shade.

When I reached home with Bright, Shade looked up and said nothing, and went back to whatever he was doing just now. Couldn't he just care about me just a little?

'Fine?' Shade taps me on the shoulder. 'Are you alright? You seem to daydream a lot nowadays.'

'Nothing.' I shake my head. 'Shade, can I live with my parents for 3 days? I have to help them to prepare the 'Welcome back' party.'

Shade thinks for a while and replies, 'Okay.' And we go separate ways.

* * *

 **On the day of Christmas**

'Welcome back Rein!' We shouted happily.

I hugged Rein so tightly and said, 'Rein, I missed you so much! Including Father, Mother and...' Shade. I decided not to say his name. 'I hope that you will enjoy yourself!'

I went to find Shade, who was with Rein. Is he proposing to Rein? No, no way... My head started to hurt so much. Where is my medicine? I found it in my pocket and popped it into my mouth. It's time to go now.

'Fine, good luck.' Mother smiles sadly, squeezing my hand gently. 'Thank you Mother.' I kiss her on the cheek. 'I'm going now, Father. Thank you for everything.' Father smiles, trying to force the tears not to fall. I need to leave now, without Shade and Rein noticing.

'Fine, where are you going?' Shade asks, noticing the luggage I am holding it. 'Are you leaving us here? Like how Rein did?' He holds my hand, but I slap his hand away. Fine, you shouldn't have slapped his hand away. Maybe this is the last day that you can hold his hand.

'Yes.'

'Why?'

'Shade, we should break up.' I changed the topic. I could see his tears flow down. Tears of joy, huh?

'Why?' He muttered under his breath. _Shade, stop acting now._

'Why? You dare to ask why? Did you care about me when I wasn't feeling well?' I said in a harsh tone. 'I also overhear that you like Rein when you are asleep. You dated me because I tried to look like Rein, right? There are still a lot of evidences to show that you like Rein. For example, you bought 2 gifts for Rein 3 days ago. You always lock yourself in your room to talk to Rein.'

'Fine, I really love you! Why do you have to involve Rein in this?'

These words again confuse me. I want to break up with him, but every time he says these words, my heart flutters and my face feel hot. Maybe his mouth says 'I love you' but his heart says otherwise. Should I trust him? Or not? I don't know. I can only say that he is a cunning man, always confuse me and always hesitate.

'Shade, please stop lying to yourself. Your heart belongs to Rein only. I am just a replacement of Rein.' I saw Rein in the corner my eye. 'Your beloved come to see you. Good bye Shade.'

'Wait, Fine!' Shade grabbed my hand tightly. I winced in pain. 'Don't go.' He begged.

'Why should I listen to you?' I slapped his hand away hard.

'Fine, why are you doing this? I thought you love Shade? He is your boyfriend!' Rein shouted in anger.

'Shut up Rein! He is no boyfriend of mine.' I forced myself to say it. 'I have no boyfriend who loves my sister.'

'Fine, why are you like this? You know Shade always calls me…' I know Shade always calls you… Just shut up. I don't need you to tell me about this. I already know. My head start to hurt more and more. 'Shut up!' I screamed, making Rein jump in shock.

'What happened here?' Bright came after hearing me scream so loudly. 'Are you alright, Fine?'

'Yes, I am fine, just like my name after all.' I said to Bright, before turning to look at Shade and Rein. 'I don't want to waste any more time to talk to you two.' After that, I walked away. 'Fine, I really love you!' Shade shouted. _No… no… Please shut up… Shut up…_ I cover my ears as my thoughts screamed in my head. 'Shut...up…' I whispered, before darkness overcame me.

 _I wish all this was... nothing but a ridiculous fairytale._

* * *

 **Author's note:**

It's been a while since I updated or made a story. I am just too lazy. I think I will be deleting the 3 other stories. I just can't think of anything to continue my stories. Hope you enjoy the story.


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